HOW TO BE CHARISMATIC
Have you ever met a really charismatic person? I have.
They just seem to have so much energy and life in them. They seem to have a light in their eyes that exudes warmth and friendliness. They seem to have the world at their feet and be surrounded by people that love and admire them. They seem to have the ability to achieve any goal they set themselves, and usually do. They live in the homes that other people admire, and go on the holidays that most people can only dream of. In general, life seems to move out of the way for them, and open all kinds of doors for them that don’t open for normal people. If there is one character trait a person can have, that can enhance their lives in a powerful and positive way, and literally sky rocket them to success, then this trait has to be charisma. Whichever way you look at it, learning how to be charismatic will change your life, no matter who you are right now! |
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Often thought of as something that only the lucky few have, having charisma allows people to build a rapport with others, which in turn means these people like and admire them. When powerful people like and admire you, they will go out of their way to create opportunities for you. They will want you in their lives and invite you to parties and gatherings. They will want you to work with them, and will take great joy in sharing their success and knowledge with you.
When two people with the same skill set are going for the same promotion at work, who do you think will get it? I can assure you it will be the person that oozes charisma! Charismatic people often find that incredible opportunities present themselves all the time, which makes their lives exciting and fun. In my book 'The Charisma Rules', which teaches anyone how to be charismatic, I tell the story about how one of the most charismatic people I know conservatively estimates that whenever he flies, he is upgraded to Business Class at least 50% of the time. This is not because he is lucky, but because charisma spills out of him. He is an expert at building a rapport with people, which means they move mountains for him because they genuinely like him. |
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WHAT IS CHARISMA?
Before anyone can truly become more charismatic, it is vitally important that they understand what charisma is. It seems that many people think they know what charisma is, but the truth is, they have no idea.
So what is charisma? Charisma is something that’s pretty difficult to put into words, so let’s start by identifying what charisma is NOT! Charisma is often confused with brashness, arrogance, loudness and ebullience. One of my friends used to date a girl who had many of these qualities, and this friend often commented on her charismatic personality. Whenever he did, I used to silently cringe and think that she was anything but charismatic. You see, charismatic people don’t intentionally steal the limelight. They don’t try to get everyone’s eyes on them, even though ironically this more than often tends to happen naturally. They don’t obsess about being the center of attention, or telling stories loudly. They don’t launch into stories about themselves, or gloat about their latest achievements. This girl did, which made her the direct opposite of charismatic in my opinion. You may have also seen charisma defined as the ability to talk to strangers on the street, or in bars, or to approach people you don’t know and start talking to them. While this is certainly a character trait of many charismatic people, it's not really what charisma is about either. Charisma is not necessarily about being the life of the party, or striking up conversations with strangers. You may find yourself doing this kind of thing naturally as a charismatic person, but while a useful skill, I don't believe this is the heart and soul of charisma. So how would I sum up charismatic people? It's simple really. Charismatic people have an amazing ability to focus the attention on other people. Read that again. They focus on making the people around them feel amazing when they are in their presence. They focus on making other people the center of attention, rather than intentionally drawing the spotlight on themselves. There's a well known Maya Angelou quote which I believe answers the question of "What is charisma?" perfectly. |
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"I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Maya Angelou
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Charisma is not about being loud, or being the life of the party. Charisma is about how you make other people feel. It is the ability to make the people around you feel like they are the only person on the planet when they are in your presence. It is the ability to make them feel like they are the most important person in the world!
There is a great story of two English statesmen Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone who were running for office. After months of campaigning they both had the chance to take the same lady out to dinner. After this lady had dined with both of them on alternate evenings, and had spent a couple of hours in their presence, a member of the press asked her what she thought of them. Her answer, once again, summed up charisma perfectly. She said that after spending a few hours with each of the men, it was obvious that they were very important, powerful and intelligent individuals, of that there was no doubt. She went on to say “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought that he was the cleverest person in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought that I was the cleverest person in England. Do you see the difference? Throughout the evening, Disraeli had asked her questions about herself, and listened carefully to each and every on of her responses. He had inquired all about her, and had kept steering the conversation back towards her. By doing this, he got her to talk about herself, and let's be honest, we always feel good when we're talking about ourselves. This story optimizes what charisma is. It is the ability to build such a rapport with people, that you actually make them feel like they are the only person you care about. It doesn’t matter who these people are, or what they do for a living, a charismatic person makes them feel incredible. Charisma is the ability to build rapport with people in such a way that they genuinely like you and enjoy being around you. It is the ability to have people warm to you, often not really knowing why they do, but simply knowing that they really admire you and want to spend more time with you. So what is charisma? |
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CHARISMA IS A SIMPLE SKILL
ANYONE CAN LEARN
When studying how to be charismatic, one of the things I’ve found about charisma is that most people don’t realize that it’s a skill, just like any other skill, that can be learnt and mastered.
Most people think charisma is one of those traits that “you either have or you don’t”. They think that charisma is something only the lucky are born with. They think it is something that comes naturally to people, and if they aren’t blessed with this ability then there is not much they can do about it. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Charisma is just like any other skill that can be studied, learnt and mastered, and 'The Charisma Rules' gives you the blueprint on how to do this. I've had a deep interested in the subject of how to be charismatic for as long as I can remember, and in my opinion it comes down to nothing more than a certain set of character traits, combining body language, attitude, conversation and awareness of your surroundings. When these are combined together, the result is full blown charisma. When it comes to charisma you can never be too charismatic, and you can certainly never stop learning and mastering your craft. Mastering the rules of charisma will change your life if you let it. When that happens, your life will become the stuff that only dreams are made of. A life where any goal and dream you have becomes easily achievable! All because of this wonderful superpower called “Charisma”. |
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CHARISMATIC PEOPLE KNOW
HOW TO BE PRESENT
One of the key elements to being more charismatic, is mastering the art of presence.
In a time where Social Media rules the world, and everyone has the world at their finger tips, be it through an iPhone, iPad, Laptop or any other gadget, it has become a lost art to give your full attention to the person you are with. We're all guilty of it. We check our phones obsessively every 3 minutes, never truly paying full attention to the world around us. The good news though, is that if you can commit and learn how to do this, you can really stand out from the crowd. If you can learn how to be more present, and give the people you are with your undivided attention, you will literally skyrocket your charisma levels overnight. Some of the most charismatic leaders on the planet, are absolute geniuses when it comes to being present in the moment, and giving the people they are interacting with their undivided attention. |
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THEY ARE
WORLD CLASS LISTENERS
Charismatic people have a tendency to be world class listeners, and becoming a better listener is another vital skill you can master in your quest to become more charismatic yourself.
Steven Covey once said that most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply. Think about that. Are you guilty of this at all?
Charismatic people listen with the intent to understand. They are thinking about their reply, before the speaker has finished their sentence.
Instead, they tend to have a habit of listening more than they speak and as a result make these people feel valued, and important. Developing your active listening skills are a critical aspects of becoming more charismatic.
Steven Covey once said that most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply. Think about that. Are you guilty of this at all?
Charismatic people listen with the intent to understand. They are thinking about their reply, before the speaker has finished their sentence.
Instead, they tend to have a habit of listening more than they speak and as a result make these people feel valued, and important. Developing your active listening skills are a critical aspects of becoming more charismatic.
THEY HAVE STRONG
BODY LANGUAGE
Body language is another key element to learning how to be more charismatic, and mastering body language starts with the correct posture.
If you pay close attention to someone that oozes charisma, you'll notice that they stand or sit upright, with their shoulders back. You'll never see them slouch, or sit with their shoulders in a rounded position.
They keep their heads held high looking directly at the person they are dealing with. This immediately projects self-confidence and portrays an image of assurance.
They also walk with certainty, like they own the path they are walking on - never in a brash way, but with an air of confidence.
If you pay close attention to someone that oozes charisma, you'll notice that they stand or sit upright, with their shoulders back. You'll never see them slouch, or sit with their shoulders in a rounded position.
They keep their heads held high looking directly at the person they are dealing with. This immediately projects self-confidence and portrays an image of assurance.
They also walk with certainty, like they own the path they are walking on - never in a brash way, but with an air of confidence.
THEY HAVE GREAT
CONVERSATION SKILLS
It goes without saying that the most charismatic people on the planet are world class conversationalists. The good news is that becoming a great conversationalist is actually a lot easier than you think.
Obviously, you can make sure you are well read, and have an excellent general knowledge. This will always make you a better conversationalist because it will allow you to contribute more to conversations - but you knew that already didn’t you. If you have the time to do this and want to build up your subject knowledge, that’s fantastic. The downside to this though is that it may take some time. I encourage you to read as much as you can on as many subjects as possible. You can never be too well read. While being an avid reader is great, there is also another much quicker way that you can improve your conversation skills, and it doesn’t require any reading at all. In fact, ironically it doesn’t involve much speaking either. Dale Carnegie once wrote that “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language”. Simply put, this means that people are always more interested in themselves than anyone else, and they will always be more responsive to the sound of their own name. Remember the anecdote earlier about the two British politicians that took the same lady out to dinner? The one that made the lady feel like she was the most interesting person on the planet by steering the conversation back to her, and listening intently to her answers, ended up winning the election. Charismatic people know that most people are more interested in themselves than anyone else. Whether they admit it or not, it is more than likely that a person’s favorite subject in the entire world is the subject of…well themselves. So try focusing the conversation more on the person you are conversing with, and less on yourself, and you'll be amazed at the results! In my book I cover this topic in more detail with a fascinating skill known as 'Social Jiu Jitsu'. |
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THEY HAVE GOALS
AND A CLEAR VISION
While you may not initially associate goals and visualization with charisma, the truth is that charismatic leaders are prolific goal setters.
They know where they are going, and they know what they want in life. If you ask them what they want to achieve 12 months from now, they will be able to rattle off a list of achievements in 5 seconds. Equally, if you ask them what they want to achieve 5 years from now, then will have a clear vision to share with you as well. They don’t simply amble through life like a large percentage of people do. They are focused, driven and have clearly defined goals that they want to accomplish during their time on this planet. When you meet someone that is in the process of working on their goals, you can see it from a mile away. They have a passion for life, and seem to have a sparkle in their eyes. Do what charismatic people do and make sure you write out your goals each and every night, and then read them throughout the day. You will find that you automatically start to focus on these, and will be amazed how you start to take more action towards achieving them. They say that success breeds success, but being successful also leads to being more charismatic. |
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THEY LOOK AND
DRESS THE PART
Charismatic people come in all shapes and forms.
From the dynamic leader in your work place dressed in a suit and a tie, to the sports star or the Hollywood actor. I’ve met skinny people that light up the room, as well as overweight people that hold everyone’s attention. Charisma comes in a variety of appearances, but a surefire way to increase yours is to get into shape and to start dressing better. You don’t need to look like a professional athlete or model, and you don’t need to wear expensive suits and ties, but pay attention to your appearance, and do whatever it takes to feel good about the way you look. When you’re in shape and you wear clothes that look good on you, you feel good. When you feel good you will automatically be more charismatic. In-fact I would go as far as to say, that it’s virtually impossible to be truly charismatic if you don’t feel good in your own skin. Try as you may, your insecurity will eventually show through and it will stifle your Charisma. |
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THEY NEVER
COMPLAIN AND THEY TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING
Another key point when learning how to be charismatic, is realizing that you will never hear charismatic people complain or moan about anything. They are like a positive beam of light that shines wherever they go.These people know that complaining gets you nowhere.
Of course I’m not for one second suggesting that you should be a walk-over and not stand up for yourself when you have been wronged, but I’m stressing that you will never see successful, charismatic people complain about day-to-day things. It’s just not a character trait they have, and in my experience, complaining and success just don't seem to go hand in hand. Instead, charismatic people take ownership and responsibility for everything that happens to them. They know that they are in total control of their lives and that their success and future lies in their hands. Their outlook on life is not that “things happen to them”. Their outlook on life is that “things happen BECAUSE of them”. They are where they are in their lives at this very moment either because of the things they have done, or the things they haven’t done! This is a really great attitude to have, and it is an attitude that most winners in life have. When you start to take responsibility for your life, and where you are, you will find yourself suddenly taking action on your goals and plans, and doing whatever it is that you need to do in order to build the life you want. This in turn leads to a sense of ownership, which leads to unstoppable charisma. |
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THEY SHINE THE
SPOTLIGHT ON OTHERS
As well as taking responsibility for everything that happens to them, and never complaining, charismatic people specialize in complimenting others and heaping praise on them.
As the cornerstone of charisma being the ability to make the people in your life feel incredible, a great way to do this is to give them praise and pay them compliments when they have earned it. I’m not suggesting you lie to them or that you should be fake and insincere, but rather that you should practice being acutely aware of when they have done well or are at least trying their best. When this happens, charismatic people are always sure to let them know they are doing well. This sounds like such an overly simple and obvious thing to do, but you will be amazed how powerful this can be and the warming effect it can have on a person. Think about a time when someone paid you an unexpected compliment. Didn’t it make your day? Didn’t it make you feel like a million bucks? When we said that charisma is a simple skill that anyone can learn at the start of this article, this is exactly what we were referring to. People think that being charismatic requires you to have a mythical ‘wow’ factor but it doesn’t. It requires you to do simple things that most people take for granted, and it requires that you are aware of what these simple things are. By doing this you will sky rocket your social skills and in turn your charisma. Paying someone an unexpected compliment or praising them for something they have done well is ridiculously easy to do and takes only a small moment of your time, but how many of us actually do it. Charismatic people do, and they do it all the time. |
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THEY ARE HUMBLE
Charismatic people have a confidence about them that means they don’t need to make themselves the center of attention. They don’t need to brag to others about their accomplishments.
You will never hear a charismatic person gloating, or telling you about their achievements. Instead, they will flip the script on you and try and find out more about your achievements. They will inquire about the good things you have done, or are currently doing. How often have you been talking to someone at a social gathering, only to be forced to listen to them talk about themselves without even bothering to ask about you? How does it make you feel about them? My guess is you wouldn't class them as being charismatic right? You see, charismatic people let their results do the talking, rather than themselves. They prefer to let people discover their achievements for themselves, rather than openly talk about them like most people do. The effect of doing this can be incredible. In-fact, I'd say there are few things more impressive than finding out someone you know has achieved something momentous, without them actually bragging or telling you about it themselves first. |
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THEY MAKE TIME
FOR EVERYONE
Charismatic people make time for everyone, and will go out of their way to treat everybody the same. This is one of the cornerstone character traits of people that have outstanding interpersonal communication skills.
Now I'm not suggesting they will be equally close to everyone in their lives. Of course they may be close to family members, and consider some of the people they work with....well...colleagues. What I am highlighting is that if you pay close attention to a charismatic person, when they are in any social situation, they will pay as much attention to the people they don't know, as they do to the ones they do. If they are in the office, they will give everyone the time of day, from the janitor to the CEO. I was having dinner at a friend’s house a few years ago, and we started talking about a gather we’d both been to the previous weekend. One of our other friends, Pete had been there. Now Pete is the kind of guy that just seems to be larger than life. He’s an ebullient character that really makes the most out of life. Although I wouldn't necessarily class him as the most charismatic person I've met, he has certain charismatic qualities that I admire and often try to emulate myself. He’s the kind of guys that everyone gravitates towards when he enters the room for the first time. Both my friend and I have a lot of time for Pete, and we enjoy being in his company. What I found interesting that night though was that my friend’s wife Kim made the comment that she had always felt that Pete never made any time or effort with her, and to be quite honest she never really knew where she stood with him. Now I can assure you, after knowing Pete for many years, he is just too nice a guy to have any sort of issue with Kim. In-fact, he doesn’t really know her well enough to have any hang-ups with her at all. I assured her she was wrong, and that any insecurity she had was unwarranted. After all, Pete was the nicest guy anyone could meet. But after some further discussion Kim she said she felt that Pete never really took the time to speak to her whenever they were in a social situation. She said he was always friendly and amicable, but he seemed to move towards “other” people in a social situation, but never her. I found this very interesting. Being good friends with Pete, I guess I was one of the people that he tended to gravitate towards instead of her, so I have never had the problem of him not paying me any attention. To be honest, I’d never noticed him not paying Kim or anyone else attention for that matter, but I had experienced the same issue with other people before. Whether or not they had done it intentionally I’m not sure, but I had certainly experienced occasions where I felt that someone wasn’t making an effort with me at all, and I remembered how it made me feel. Charismatic people make time for everyone. This is a really simple skill you can start developing right away! |
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THEY HAVE
POWER
Power is one of the biggest differences between the truly charismatic people and the friendly, nice people on this planet.
Sure the guy or girl at work you chat to every morning in the canteen while you make your coffee may be outgoing and always friendly, but that doesn’t make them charismatic. I’d go as far as to say that the value people place on your other charisma skills depends completely on your level of power. As hard as it may be to accept, without power, you are nothing more than a nice friendly person that pays attention to people. Throw in the element of power as well, and suddenly you are someone of importance who is also a friendly person that pays attention to people. This suddenly doubles your charisma appeal. Think about it. Who would make a bigger impression on you? An average Joe that pays you attention and makes you feel good about yourself, or the CEO of a million dollar company that pays you attention and makes you feel good about yourself? I’m not for one second diminishing the average Joe, but the truth is the more power a person has, the more of an impression they are able to make on other people. The difference is that instead of being some obedient lap-dog that smiles and talks to everyone, you are now someone that has value and importance that also makes the time to smile and speak to everyone. Do you see the difference? So how can you obtain power you may be asking? You may not be the CEO, or in a Leadership position in your company, but that's OK. There are many ways to obtain power, most easier than you think, but one of my favorite ways to build your power levels is to 'have a backbone'. When I say ‘have a backbone’ I mean don’t be a pushover. Charismatic people never order people around, or boss them about, but they certainly don’t let other people do it to them either. They have a strong character and a very strong set of morals and values that guide them through each and every day. This creates a strong sense of knowing who they are and what they believe in. If they feel someone is taking advantage of them, they will let them know. If they feel like someone is asking them to do something they are not comfortable with, or something that goes against their morals, they will politely tell them this and decline their request. Charismatic people are self-assured (not arrogant) and this creates a strong element of power, which in turn leads to an irresistible aura. They know who they are, they know what they believe in, and they live their lives by these terms. |
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THEY "ACT AS IF"
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Imagine you’re at a social gathering and someone said to you, “I’ll give you $20 million if you go and introduce yourself to that person and start a conversation with them”.
Assume this person is a Billionaire and is dead serious. Assume they are trying to demonstrate the power of the mind to you, and are happy to spend the money to do this. It would be a no-brainer wouldn’t it. You’d pretty much walk over there without even thinking about it and strike up a conversation with them. “I’m sorry, we haven’t met, I’m…” you’d probably say. Of course this is a fictitious scenario because it’s highly unlikely anyone will offer you that kind of money, but the idea of this simple game is to tap into the power of your mind, as well as your full potential. The fact that you might be shy and nervous when talking to new people wouldn’t matter if someone was willing to offer you that kind of money to strike up a conversation. This tells us that you already have everything you need inside you, in order to be more outgoing. You already have the ability to start a conversation with strangers. You just need the right motivation. You just need the right push. Basically what this game does is bring out the greatest version of yourself. It allows you to “Act As If” you are already the greatest version of yourself, by pushing your boundaries. If someone offered you $20 million to “Act As If” you were the most charismatic person on the planet for the next 10 minutes, you’d jump right into character and I bet you would radiate charisma. What else could you do if you applied this mindset each and every day? |
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THEY HAVE AN
ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
Every charismatic person I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting has carried with them what is known as an “attitude of gratitude”. You may have heard this term thrown about before, but basically it is the habit of being grateful for the things you already have in your life, and it is one of the foundations of charisma.
The reason for this is that when you are truly grateful for the things you have in your life, your body physiology as well as your outlook on life changes. You tend to walk with a spring in your step, and have a far more positive outlook on life. Things that bothered you before suddenly don’t seem that important and challenges you face seem inconsequential. The result then is that you are naturally more charismatic because you project warmth and friendliness. Projecting warmth is a huge part of charisma. Have you ever met a charismatic person that didn’t project warmth and friendliness? You don’t need to be a millionaire, or live in a 6 bedroom house to be grateful. You have huge amounts of abundance and success right now, it is just your perception that determines whether you appreciate this or not. Try finishing off each day by reliving your day’s “Magic Moments”. Take a moment to think of everything you are grateful for in your life, and all the good that happens to you on a daily basis. By doing this, you will find yourself filled with huge feeling of gratitude and it will show in your personality and outlook on life. This in turn will really boost your charisma levels as you will simply become a better person to be around. |
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THEY HAVE
AWARENESS
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One of the biggest discoveries I have made on my journey to building my charisma is that when it comes to changing the person you are, half the battle is awareness.
I have learnt that if you are completely aware of what you want to achieve in life, you are half way there to achieving it. The reason most people never achieve their full potential is because they are not actively aware of what they are capable of. They are not aware of what they can achieve, because they don’t actively set goals for themselves or set themselves challenges. Instead they amble through life, with little or no plan. Think about this. If I challenged you to act as if you were the most charismatic person in the world for 10 seconds, would you be able to do it? I bet you could! You would suddenly spark into life, your whole body physiology would change. Your face would light up with character. Why? Simply because you would be aware that you are trying to be more charismatic. Being aware of what you are trying to accomplish, whether it’s trying to be more charismatic, lose weight or make more money, is the first and most important step to success. I strongly feel that awareness is the glue that holds all the other charisma rules together. You may have mastered all of the other rules, but if you forget to apply them out in the real world, they will hold little value and will have little effect on your charisma levels. You will find that the more you remind yourself of your charisma goals, the more it will become a habit. Eventually you won’t feel the need to read your notes as often as you did, because charisma will have become a natural part of who you are. |
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Want to Develop Your Charisma Further?
Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules.