 “I love meeting new people; I think everyone has a story to tell. We should all listen sometimes.” - Kim Smith Many years ago, I went to junior school with a guy called Simon. Simon was the kind of guy you always knew would do well in life. He was the kind of guy that captained every sports team we played in, had every girl in school chasing him, and was friends with just about every kid in the school. His blonde curly locks, tanned skin and Hollywood looks also didn’t do him any harm either. Whenever he had a birthday party, his poor parents ended up catering for about 150 kids because he was so popular. He was a really great guy, and even at the tender age of 12, he knew how to build rapport with almost anyone, and as a result, he had charisma oozing out of him. Sadly, when we turned 13, Simon was bundled off to a more prestigious senior school. His parents earned good money and rightly so, they figured they owed it to Simon to give him the best education they could afford. Unfortunately as a result, I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with Simon during our senior school years, but I kept track of his achievements from afar. His natural ability to build rapport meant that he went on to captain and lead almost every sports team he played in throughout senior school, and was made the head-boy of the school in his final year. More of a born leader, I had yet to meet. Fast forward 15 years and Simon is now the director of a prestigious advertising company. The scary, yet not surprising, thing is that he’s been a director since he was 27 years old. Talk about an overachiever. Simon is clearly an example of the power of charisma, and the power of knowing how to build rapport and connect with people. Throughout his life, he’s had that special magnetic quality that only the gift of the gab seem to possess. About 12 years ago when we were in our early 20’s, I bumped into a friend who had been at school with Simon and I. As we shared a couple of beers, the conversation moved on to Simon, and how well he was doing in life. This was before I really knew anything about charisma, and certainly before I knew that it was just a skill that anyone could learn and master. I made the comment that Simon was just one of those guys who got lucky and was born with the gift of the gab. Simon Know How to Build Rapport Like a Pro My friend disagreed and went on to share an interesting story with me. A year or two before, he had bumped into Simon on a night out. They had both been in the same town on holiday, and neither of them had ever been there before. As they were chatting and catching up, my friend noticed how many people seemed to walk past and acknowledge Simon. It was almost as if he was one of the locals and had been going there for years. At one point someone even came over with a drink for Simon, and said “Here we go buddy”, before moving on with his friends. When my friend asked Simon how he knew so many people, considering he had only been in town for a couple of days, Simon went on to share one of the biggest secrets to his success. He explained that whenever he is in a social situation, be it a nightclub, a bar, a birthday party, or at a BBQ, he always makes an effort to introduce himself to as many people as he can. He went on to explain that he didn’t do anything fancy, but whether it was a guy or a girl, all he did was walk over flashing a great big smile and say “I’m sorry we haven’t met yet, I’m Simon”, and stick out his hand to shake. After introducing himself and shaking hands, he would then spend a couple of minutes chatting to his new friend. He’d ask them who else they knew at the party, where they were from, and what they did for a living. Basically he just made general small-talk, nothing fancy as Simon claimed, although he unconsciously using several of the rules that are found in The Charisma Rules. So why was this such a powerful and effective weapon? The reason why this worked so well for Simon was that it made him stand out from the crowd and allowed him to build rapport with everyone he met. It’s not often that you get someone simply walking up to you to say “Hi”, and have a chat. Simon was sure to say very little about himself, and ask all the questions, which encouraged the person to talk about themselves. As we know, people love nothing more than talking about themselves, and this alone is a great way to build a rapport with almost anyone. Simon stood out from the pack. He was something different to most of the people he met. He didn’t have a hidden agenda or ulterior motive. If he was chatting to a girl, he made sure not to hit on her, or flirt with her too much. All he wanted to do was say “Hi”. After about 2 minutes of chatting he would tell the person “It was great to meet you”, and he’d politely let them know that he needed to get back to his friends and would then move on. If anyone looked over at Simon a few minutes later they’d see him standing around, laughing and joking with another group of people. Building Rapport is a Simple SkillWhat my friend found really amazing was that for the rest of the night, Simon was treated like a celebrity. People would pop round to chat to him, and wherever he went, girls had their eyes on him. This simple act made Simon memorable. It takes confidence to walk up to someone and introduce yourself, yet ironically it’s not that hard to do once you’ve done it a few times. Simon knew a secret that most people don’t. He knew that most people, whether they admit it or not, are a little anxious when placed in a social situation with lots of strangers. He knew that usually when this happens, people tend to stick to the people they know and end up spending most of their time talking to them, instead of branching out and meeting new people. This is not because they don’t like interacting with new people, or because they don’t have anything to say. It’s because most people are too shy to initiate conversation with someone they don’t know. Simon went to the trouble of breaking the ice for them though, and once he had done that, the conversation flowed naturally. When it was time for Simon to move on, the people he had chatted to felt really great because they had just spent the last 2 minutes talking about themselves, and they had actually met someone new. Suddenly they had new found social confidence, and all social awkwardness and anxiety had been swept aside by Simon’s friendly introduction. I have no doubt that his ability to build rapport with almost anyone, catapulted Simon all the way to being the Director of a company at the tender age of 27. Wherever he goes he makes friends and people remember him. So What Can You Learn From My Friend Simon? Simon stands out from the crowd wherever he goes. In short, he oozes charisma. Let me assure you though that Simon’s charisma is no accident. The key point in this story is that he MAKES an effort to talk to as many people as he can when he’s in a social situation. He goes out of his way to interact with them, and introduce himself.  Charisma Exercise #10 Your next exercise is to take a leaf out of Simon’s book and get comfortable talking to as many people as you can when you’re in a social situation. For many of you, this may sound daunting or even cause your palms to start sweating, but don’t worry. This is supposed to be an enjoyable exercise and it will help you grow into a far more charismatic person instantly. Simon talks to as many people as he can whether he’s in a nightclub, at a bar or at a football game. You might be sitting there thinking “But I’m not as outgoing as Simon though”, and that’s alright. If the thought of going out to a bar or nightclub intimidates you, then don’t go. Or if you are happy to go to a nightclub but don’t feel comfortable introducing yourself to strangers, then don’t! Dial it down a notch and pick a scenario that you’re comfortable with. When I started working on this exercise myself a couple of years ago, I first put it into practice at a child’s christening. After the church service, we all gathered at the host’s house for tea and biscuits. With this exercise fresh in my mind, I was determined to engage and talk with as many people as I could. I knew about 5 or 6 of the 50 people there, so naturally I started off standing with them in a circle mingling and making small talk as we drank our tea. Gradually as the morning passed, I made the effort to introduce myself to people as they came into contact. I mentioned earlier that most people feel an element of anxiety when interacting with strangers in a social situation, and very few are comfortable introducing themselves. Instead, it’s far easier to remain silent and keep talking to the people you already know. Have you ever been guilty of this? I know I certainly was in the past. This doesn’t have to be the case though. All you need to do is casually say the words “I’m sorry, I haven’t met you yet, my name is…" This line has served me as an introduction to literally thousands of people over the last couple of years and it’s been a huge part in building my charisma levels. The key is to make it natural. When Simon was introducing himself to people in that nightclub, he didn’t move from one person to the next like he was the Queen meeting a crowd of supporters. He kept it natural. Once he had finished chatting to a group, he would politely mention that he needed to get back to his friends and he would wander off back to them. Then a few minutes later he’d head over to another group of people he hadn’t met, drink in hand, and start chatting to them casually. Next time you’re in a social situation, make a real effort to chat to as many people as you can. Think of it as a game called “Meet The Room”. Think of yourself as the most charismatic person in the room, and your challenge is to talk to as many people as you can. It can be anywhere you feel comfortable. Maybe there is someone in your office that you bump into in the kitchen every morning, and you’ve been meaning to introduce yourself. Maybe you sit next to the same person on the bus every morning but you’ve never had the guts to say hello. It doesn’t have to be a bar or nightclub and it doesn’t have to be a complete stranger. My personal experience with this was that although slightly nerve racking at first, it very quickly became easier and easier with every new person I met. “I’m sorry, I haven’t met you yet, my name is.. I found my conversation skills improving dramatically, and a few weeks later I didn’t even have to think about walking over to people and introducing myself. It happened naturally. It had become a part of who I was. I’ve mentioned previously that I feel charisma is not necessarily about being the life of the party, or talking to random strangers, but it is definitely about interacting better with people and being able to know how to build rapport with them. This exercise doesn’t have to be about walking up to random strangers in nightclubs and talking to them, but if you’re comfortable doing that then all the better to you. This exercise is about practicing the art of interacting with people in the same social environment as you. It is about interacting with people that are standing around you. Once you have done this you will find you automatically become more charismatic as you grow in confidence. After enough practice you will realize that everyone feels an element of social anxiety when placed in a room full of strangers, and most of them are dying for someone to break the ice. If you can be the one to do it and ease their anxiety, you will become instantly memorable in their eyes.
Want to Become a Master at Building Rapport? Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe that building rapport is one of the key elements of becoming more charismatic. We also believe that Charisma is made up of certain rules that can be learnt.
It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life. If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules.  Listening as an Active Skill“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” - Stephen R. Covey Here at The Charisma Rules, we're all about learning to be more charismatic, and as we highlight in the book, when it comes to being more charismatic, applying listening as an active skill is crucial. If you pay close attention, you will notice that charismatic people ALWAYS listen way more than they speak. I once had a friend who dated a girl who he "thought" was extremely charismatic. In my opinion, she was the exact opposite. She dominated every conversation with anecdotes and stories about herself. As soon as someone else would start to tell a story, she would interrupt them with a story of her own. He thought the fact that she was so outspoken, and happy to talk to anyone made her charismatic, when in reality it did the exact opposite. She clearly hadn't mastered the art of listening as an active skill, and it was also clear that she wasn’t familiar with Mark Twain’s quote, “If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.”  Charismatic people, especially leaders are great listeners and they are masters of active listening. They have the ability to let other people do the talking, thereby making these people feel valued, important and worthy. What most people don't know, is that charisma is about how you make other people feel when they are around you, and nothing makes a person feel more valued than someone that takes the time to listen to them. Taking the time to listen to another person speak, and more importantly letting them finish what they are saying before you begin to speak, is another rare skill that will make you immediately appear more charismatic. It will make you stand out from almost everyone else, because this simple art is found in rare commodities in this day and age. If you’re like most people, you may find that you are guilty of only part-listening to people when they speak. By this I mean that often (before people start to focus on their charisma) people are guilty of listening to the other person speak, only to the point where they want to chime in to the conversation with a reply, or their own story. From then on, they barely listen to what the other person is saying, as they wait for their turn to speak. Can you relate to this? The problem is when you do this it becomes very clear to the person that is speaking at the time. You may not be aware of it, but they will be able to tell by your facial expressions and more than likely lack of eye-contact that you are not really listening to them and merely waiting for your turn to speak. Brushing up on your active listening, and thereby listening to people when they speak and paying full attention to them is vital if you want to improve your charisma levels. 2 Simple Active Listening SkillsThere are 2 simple tricks you can use which will help you do this. Firstly, while they are speaking, try to create images to go along with the words they are saying. Instead of only listening to the words they are speaking, make a story in your mind, almost like a movie, which goes along with their dialog. This will immediately improve your listening ability as it will help you “see” what they are saying, as well as remember what they were saying at a later stage. I’ve also found a really powerful result from using this process, is that it has led to asking more intelligent and perceptive questions related to the person’s story. In the past you may have simply nodded as you went through the motions of hearing them but not really listening, but using this technique you will appear a lot more insightful and interested as you start to ask questions about the conversation. As you start to make mental movies in your mind as the person tells their story, you will find that it allows you to wonder about events and details of their story. If they were telling you about how they were stuck in traffic, and you had begun to make a movie of this in your mind, you'd probably wonder to yourself “Where were they driving. You might find yourself asking them this at a later stage, because you are genuinely interested. Do you see the power in this? Straight away it would be clear that you were listening with great intent and were genuinely interested in their story, rather than simply going through the motions and waiting for your turn to speak, as so many of us do. Sure, it's important to have good two-way conversation, but if you are going to be charismatic, you have to learn how to be a world class listener.  The second step to improving your active listening skills is that I then also make a concerted effort to wait for a full 5 seconds until after they have finished speaking, before I start to speak. This may sound extreme and may sound like an eternity to wait, but give it a try. Let the person’s words sink in and then only reply. It’s hard to really emphasize the incredible power this will have on the person you are speaking to. They will feel that you have really listened to them, and only then have replied with your part of the conversation. I’ve found that these two tips have worked wonders for me. Combined with my awareness to be more present, I’ve noticed that I have started to really listen to the other person in the conversation speak, as I know that I am not allowed to talk until they are finished. In the past when I had something to say, I would inadvertently stop listening to the rest of their dialog, and only think about what or how I was going to speak next. I would hear them say the words, but I didn’t listen to them, and I certainly didn’t make a mental movie to go along with them. The result was that they washed over me with little or no effect. This in turn had a knock-on effect to my presence ability, as instead of listening to them, my mind was wondering off elsewhere thinking about my side of the conversation. In a nutshell, active listening is a skill that anyone can learn, and once you do it will make you appear infinitely more charismatic almost overnight! Active Listening Exercise and ExampleCharisma Exercise – Master Your Active Listening Skills The object of this exercise is to have a conversation with someone, and as they speak, try to make a mental picture or movie in your mind of what they are saying. If they told you a story about how they were stuck in traffic earlier that day, create a vivid image of them sitting in their car, waiting in the traffic. You will be amazed how more clearly you interact with them and will really connect with them in a way you may not have in the past. Then wait a full 5 seconds after they finished speaking to start talking. Of course you don’t want to make this seem weird or creepy. To ensure you don’t do this, make sure you keep a warm friendly expression on your face. I’ve found that having a gentle smile (if the situation allows it), or nodding my head slowly in agreement help avoid any weirdness that my come from delaying your response after they speak. Keep eye contact as well, as you wait for your turn to speak. This will appear as if you are really letting their words sink in. Trust me when I say those 5 seconds will feel like a lifetime when you first try this exercise, but the more you practice this, the more you will start to see the power behind it. Continue to build on this skill with each and every conversation you find yourself having, and in no time you will find that your active listening skills not only improve, but so does your charisma. Want to Sky Rocket Your Active Listening Skills? Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules. Learn How to Make Small Talk and Make Conversation Want to learn how to become a brilliant conversationalist? “A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.” - Mark Twain This site is about learning how to be more charismatic, and part of developing your charisma levels is learning how to make small talk, and how to make conversation with people you may not know. It's fair to say that people that ooze charisma are interesting, and make great conversation. You will do well to find a charismatic person that is dull and boring. In-fact I think the words ‘dull’ and ‘charisma’ could even be considered an oxymoron. Being a great conversationalist is actually a lot easier than you think in terms of being more charismatic. Of course you can obviously make sure you are well read, and have an excellent general knowledge. This will always make you a better conversationalist because it will allow you to contribute more to conversations. But you knew that already didn’t you. If you have the time to do this and want to build up your subject knowledge, that’s fantastic. The downside to this though is that it may take some time. I encourage you to read as much as you can on as many subjects as possible. You can never be too well read, but of course it will take you time to really build up your knowledge. There is another much quicker way that you can improve your conversation skills, and it doesn’t require any reading at all. In fact, ironically it doesn’t involve much speaking either. Dale Carnegie once wrote that “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language”. Simply put, this means that people are always more interested in themselves than anyone else and they will always be more responsive to the sound of their own name. These are both two vital charisma points this chapter will touch on. Remember the anecdote in the opening chapter about the two British politicians that took the same lady out for dinner? The one that made the lady feel like she was the most interesting person on the planet ended up winning the election. Charismatic people know that people are more interested in themselves than anyone else. Whether they admit it or not, it is more than likely that a person’s favorite subject in the entire world is the subject of…well themselves. If you want to immediately improve your conversation skills, make an effort to focus the conversation more on the person you are talking to, and less on yourself. I’ve seen this referred to as “Social Jiu-Jitsu” because in essence you are applying a form of marital arts, only instead of physical, it is verbal or social. Become a Master of Social Jiu JitsuSocial Jiu-Jitsu is the art of getting people to talk about themselves without them even knowing it, and it is one of the hallmarks of any charismatic leader. A social Jiu-Jitsu expert is completely fascinated by the story of your holiday, or what you did last weekend, or what you are going to do this coming weekend. They want to know everything about what you do at work, and how you managed to get promoted to where you are today. They want to know about your family and what your hopes and dreams are. Have you ever had experience with a Social Jiu-Jitsu expert? If you have, you may find that you had a delightful conversation with someone for 10 minutes, only to realize afterwards that you didn’t really learn anything about them. In-fact on reflection, you realize that you did all the talking and they made you feel like you were the most interesting person in the world. The biggest step you can take to becoming a Social Jiu-Jitsu expert is to simply ask more engaging questions about the person you are speaking to, and then listen intently, while all the time remaining present and ensuring your body language is strong. Let them do most of the talking, and when they have finished their sentence, reply and follow up with more dialog that leads the conversation back to them, prompting them to continue talking about themselves. Once you have learnt something about them, ask them how they achieved it. Ask them what they learnt from it, and how you can achieve the same thing. You will be amazed how this can immediately make you appear more interesting. As ironic as it sounds, people will find you more interesting and will enjoy being around you a lot more, simply because you let them lead the conversation and make them feel interesting. I once had this experience first-hand a few years ago. I was at a party and started chatting to a lady that I had just met. Her name was Erin. By the end of the party as I drove home, I thought to myself what a friendly, warm, interesting person she was. When I reflected further and tried to work out exactly what it was that I liked about her, I suddenly realized that I actually didn’t know that much about her at all. The entire time I had been speaking to Erin, she had gently kept steering the conversation back in my direction, and prompted me to tell her all about myself. Where I worked, what I did for fun, my hobbies and goals etc. I shared past storied with her, and chatted openly for ages. As I looked back though I realized that she had done very little talking herself, but somehow I had felt as if she were incredibly interesting and really enjoyed being around her! I realized I had been a victim of Social Jiu-Jitsu, and I had loved every minute of it. Erin was a master at this skill, and I later learnt that everyone loves her for it. Wherever she goes, she makes the people she engages with feel like they are the most interesting person in the world. The people I met that knew Erin only had good things to say about her.  On the other end of the scale, I used to work with a lady who was the exact opposite of a Social Jiu-Jitsu expert. We would usually take about a 15 minute tea break each day where employees sat around a table and made small-talk. This girl took it upon herself to dominate those 15 minutes, always steering the conversation back to herself. If someone else started a story about a particular subject, she would chime in with an experience that was similar. If someone started to talk about what they were up to the following weekend she would chime in and tell everyone what she would be doing. More often than not, she would end up talking for 80% of the tea-break, while the other employees simply had to sit around and listen to her. Ironically, as is so often the case with this kind of people, she thought she oozed charisma and was the life of the party, but to the rest of us, we found her loud, rude and dominating. People love talking about themselves. I don’t mean this in an arrogant or selfless way, but it’s the truth. If you want to immediately appear more interesting and improve your conversation skills, try and focus on directing the conversation back to the person you are talking to rather than steering the conversation towards yourself (as she did). This technique is one of the greatest skills a charismatic person holds in their armory. Remember Bill Clinton, and how he makes people feel like they are the only person in the room when he speaks to them? It’s because he looks them in the eye and keeps steering the conversation back to them. He encourages people to keep talking about themselves, and then listens intently and asks more meaningful questions. A second powerful tool you can use to improve your conversation skills is to use the person’s name more often. You obviously don’t want to overuse it by mentioning it in every second sentence, but by sprinkling their name around, it certainly makes them feel more important. It is especially powerful if you use it at the start of the conversation. When greeting them, be sure to say “Hi Peter”, as opposed to “Hi”. It sounds like a minor detail but just adding their name to your greeting creates a far more powerful impression. Linked to this is also the importance of remembering a person’s name. I experienced the full impact of this about 2 years ago and it has left a lasting impression on me. I had met someone briefly for a couple of minutes at an office sales function. We didn’t work in the same department, and as a result, our paths didn’t cross for about 3 weeks after that. Then suddenly we happened to pass each other by on the corridor one morning. Without even blinking an eye, the person said “Morning Gary”, as they walked past me. I can still remember how surprised I was to hear them say my name. I had completely forgotten their name, but somehow they had managed to remember mine. The unexpectedness of this created a lasting impression on me, and since that day I have always gone out of my way to try and remember people’s names. I find the best way to do this is to make a rhyme about their name when you meet them, or even better associate their name with another person you know well with the same name. Picture the other person and this new person together in the same image and say their name a few times until it sinks in. When they do speak, charismatic people also seem to have a certain way with words. They tend to use phrases like “We”, rather than “I”. So if they were in a group of friends they would say something like “We should go to XYZ restaurant”, rather than “I want to go to XYZ restaurant”. The simple difference is that “We” creates a sense of togetherness and unity, rather than the “I” which has more of an individual image associated with it. The choice of “We” makes it sound like the user has the group’s best interests at heart, rather than their own, which is a common skill of charismatic people. Charisma ExerciseSmall Talk Charisma Exercise: Your next exercise is to have a conversation with someone, and focus on gently steering the conversation back to them so that they do most of the talking. Of course you want to keep it natural, and will obviously have to speak yourself to do this, but when you find that you are doing more talking than them, simply move the conversation back to them, by asking them a question, or their opinion about the subject. An example could be if you’re chatting to your partner about your day. Instead of rushing off and telling them all about your day, and what went right or wrong, encourage them to talk about their day. Listen intently and let them continue talking. If they ask you about your day, tell them a little bit about it, but steer the conversation back to them, always letting them do more talking than you. Ask empowering questions using why and how. Charismatic people shine the spotlight on other people. Never forget that. Want to Develop Your Charisma Further? Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules.  Social Skills Training - How to Improve Your Social SkillsAs you can imagine, a huge aspect of being more charismatic is developing your social skills. While this might sound obvious, it's important to dig a little deeper into some simple social skills training, which will easily teach you how to improve your social skills quickly and easily. Charismatic people may be known for their social skills, but one of the things I've always found fascinating is that Charismatic people tend to specialize in complimenting others and heaping praise on them, while exercising these social skills.  Improving Your Social Skills is SimpleAs you may have already read on this site, or read in The Charisma Rules book, charisma (and world class social skills) is the ability to make the people in your life feel incredible, and a great way to do this is to give them praise and pay them compliments when they have earned it. By mastering this simple act, you will see your social skills sky rocket in no time at all. Now let's be clear here, I’m not suggesting you lie to them or that you should be fake and insincere, but rather to be acutely aware of when they have done well or are at least trying their best. When this happens, charismatic people are always sure to let them know they are doing well. This sounds like such a simple and obvious thing to do, but you will be amazed how powerful this can be and the warming effect it can have on a person. When was the last time you praised the people in your life? When was the last time you told someone you were proud of them or that they were doing well? For me it was yesterday when I praised my wife for remembering to buy new toothpaste. We had been running really low the last couple of days, and quite frankly I was getting tired of trying to squeeze the last drop out of the tube (I’m sure you’ve been there before). When it came time to brush my teeth last evening, I found a brand spanking new tube of toothpaste on the sink counter. Sure it only cost a few dollars, and it’s something that is purchased a million times around the world every day, but at that point in time I was ecstatic to see a new tube in-front of me. I shouted down the passageway to my wife as I brushed my teeth, “What a champion you are for buying the toothpaste”. Her face lit up and I could tell she appreciated it. It’s the small things that make people feel great and charismatic people make the people in their lives feel great. Charismatic people with exceptional social skills are masters at shining the spotlight on other people, rather than taking the glory and credit themselves. Even in a team situation when they are receiving credit, you’ll find them saying things like “Thanks, but I was really lucky to have XYZ working with me on this one”. This incredible modesty goes a long way to make the people around them feel valued and important. I try to do this as often as I can in my own life each and every day. If someone visits our home and compliments us on the way it is decorated, I’ll be sure to let them know it was “all my wife’s doing”. Sure I may have played a part in it, but by complimenting my wife in-front of other people, it makes her feel like a million bucks, as all the praise is heaped on her. In essence I take the spotlight and swing it round so that it is shining brightly on her. If someone compliments me on a new shirt I’m wearing, I’ll tell them my wife bought it for me, rather than simply saying “Thanks”. It’s such a small difference, but can you see what a huge difference it can make to the person you’re shining the spotlight on? When was the last time you paid the people in your life a compliment? I’m not talking about complimenting them on the obvious things they have done well, I’m talking about the unexpected compliments like how you love their smile, or you love their outlook on life. Think about it. It costs you absolutely nothing to do this, and can give that person a massive confidence boost. Another way to put it, is that it gives the person that ‘warm fuzzy feeling’ inside and allows you to build an instant rapport with them. That is another way to define Charisma. Think about a time when someone paid you an unexpected compliment. Didn’t it make your day? Didn’t it make you feel like a million bucks? When I stated that charisma is a simple skill that anyone can learn at the start of this book, this is exactly what I was referring to. People think that being charismatic requires you to have a mythical ‘wow’ factor but it doesn’t. It requires you to do simple things that most people take for granted. Paying someone an unexpected compliment or praising them for something they have done well is ridiculously easy to do and takes only a small moment of your time, but how many of us actually do it. Charismatic people do, and they do it all the time. Social Skills Exercise (Become More Charismatic) Social Skills Charisma Exercise #8 Add this skill to your charisma toolbox by focusing on it for the next few days, and you will not only learn how to improve your social skills, but you will also boost your charisma levels and create a magnetic draw towards yourself. Start by paying someone around you an unexpected compliment. Remember not to be fake or insincere, but rather highlight their positive aspects. You also want to make sure you don’t overdo it with the same person, as it will lose its effect if done too often and insincerely. When someone pays you a compliment, shine the spotlight on anyone that assisted you if you are able to. Work on this for the next few days until it starts to become a habit. Get into the habit of looking for the good in people. Tell your partner they look good when they do, tell your kids how proud you are of them, and the people they have become. Heap praise and compliments on anyone that deserves it. Charismatic people do, and you’re well on your way to becoming one of them. Want to Be More Charismatic? Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules.  You may not have expected to find and article about "goals setting how to" on a website about charisma, but the truth is that charismatic people have goals and they are masters at setting goals. They know where they are going, and they know what they want in life. If you ask them what they want to achieve 12 months from now, they will be able to rattle off a list of achievements in 5 seconds. If you ask them what they want to achieve 10 years from now, they will be able to do the same. They don’t simply amble through life like a large percentage of people do. They are focused, driven and have clearly defined goals that they want to accomplish during their time on this planet. It’s not my intention to turn this site into a site about goals, but the power of goals really can’t be underestimated. You may have heard this all before, but trust me when I tell you that it’s the truth, and here’s why. I believe that goals are incredibly important for the simple reason that when you start to achieve your goals and you then start to achieve a degree of success, no matter how big or small, you will find that you start to change as a person for the better. Once you realize that the goals you have set yourself are possible, you will become addicted to achieving them and your entire mindset will change. No longer will you be a shy, quiet person living in the shadows of life. No longer will you lack direction, motivation and drive. Instead you will find you are suddenly more confident, and happy to take on any challenge. These are both important character traits of charismatic people. You will find that instead of wasting your time talking about other people, or complaining, you will have an incredibly positive outlook on life, and will attack any challenge that comes your way. When you think of truly charismatic people, I’m sure you’d agree that this is the type of outlook they have on life. They seem to make everything look so easy. They glide through life from one achievement to another, loved and praised by the people around them. Don’t you want to have these character traits as well? Goal setting is crucial if you’re going to become a more charismatic person. Without turning this into a boring goal-setting article, which I’m sure you’ve been through in other sites, I’d like to take you briefly through my goal-setting strategy, and how I accomplish this. Once I’ve done that, I’m going to tell you how to apply this to one of your biggest goals of all…becoming a more charismatic person. I’ve found that my life changed when I really started to focus on my goals. I started to grow into the person I had always wanted to be, simply because I started to achieve success. Although this success was small at first, the mere fact that I had accomplished the goal I had set myself led to me setting bigger more ambitious goals. Once I achieved these I set more goals, growing in confidence all the time.  When you meet someone that is in the process of working on their goals, you can see it from a mile away. They have a passion for life, and seem to have a sparkle in their eyes. I like to keep my goal-setting process really simple. I’ve read many books on goal setting, and while some of them have been excellent, I have come up with my own formula which works really well for me. There are 4 steps in my powerful goal setting process. Where I feel many goal-setting books fall short is that they place far too much emphasis on setting BIG audacious goals that challenge you. While I believe this is important and even vital if you are going to reach your full potential, I’ve found it can also be detrimental to your success if not done correctly. The problem with setting massive, juicy goals is that you will often have a hard time relating to them. It’s one thing to write down a goal of earning $100,000 a month by the end of the year, but if you currently earn $2,000 a month, your brain will have a hard time believing that this will be possible. You will then find that because you don’t really believe it is possible to achieve your goal, you start to lose interest in it, and will lack the motivation required to get you moving in the right direction. Before we get started with my goal setting formula, I believe that there is one crucial element that you need to do before you even start to set yourself goals. You first need to create an overall vision. You need to create your overall master plan. Think of your vision as the grand accumulation of all your goals. Your vision ties all your goals together into one powerful result if you will. I personally believe that this is vital to achieving your goals because I found that before I created a vision for myself, I would lose interest in my goals if I found them too difficult, or if I wasn’t having much success with them. I found that I tended to quit at the first hurdle or roadblock I faced. Looking back I now realize that the problem was that I couldn’t see the big picture. I couldn’t see how my goals tied in together and how they would impact my life overall. So the very first thing I do is create my vision. I think of the end picture, where I want to end up eventually once I’ve achieved all of my goals. My vision may be something along the lines of living in a beautiful 6 bedroom house with my wife and children. I run my own company that makes $100,000 a month. I use a portion of the money I earn to give back to charities and to help people in need. I am in peak shape because I work out in my private gym every single day. I have incredible relationships with friends and family and make them feel like they are the most important people in the world when they are around me. I ooze charisma and have a magnetic personality that attracts great people into my life. One day when I am gone, people will remember that I made them feel good about themselves when they were around me. Now of course your vision may differ, but this is just an example of my overall vision. It sums up where I see myself 20-30 years from now. Now that I have created my overall vision, I then break this vision down into small, tiny steps also known as goals. These goals will be the steps and path I need to take in order to achieve this grand vision I have created for myself. The beauty of this is that if I don’t achieve one of my goals, I simply remind myself of my overall vision and immediately feel a rush of enthusiasm and power. In the past I may have set myself a goal of losing 10 pounds. When I failed to do this I would give up and get despondent, but after I created my vision, I remind myself that my overall goal is to be in peak shape in the long-run. This means that although I may have failed on this particular fitness goal, all I need to do is start over again and keep going. Eventually if I do this often enough, I will achieve my overall vision. Essentially your vision will tie your goals together and keep you motivated when you hit inevitable stumbling blocks along the way. So now that I have created my vision, I will next focus on my goals. My goal setting process has a few different steps. I first set myself what I like to call “My Year Goals”, which are a set of goals I want to achieve by 31st December of this year. These goals are all goals which are currently just slightly out of my reach. I haven’t achieved them yet, but I know that with some hard work and focus, I can achieve them by the end of the year. If I currently earn $2,000 a month, I may set myself a goal of earning $5,000 a month. I then compile a list of a variety of goals, from financial goals, fitness goals, relationship goals, charisma goals and lifestyle goals. I then create what is called a vision board. This is simply a set of pictures I’ve found online of each of my goals. A good example is that currently one of my goals is to book a holiday to New York by the end of the year. So my vision board has a beautiful picture of the New York skyline. I also have pictures of my financial goals, pictures of fitness models I want to have the same body as, and all sorts of other inspiring pictures. I find that the trick is to find pictures that really inspire you and grab your attention. Find pictures that get your juices flowing, and provoke emotion when you look at them. These two steps are vital to achieving my goals. The fact that I have set myself goals which are only just out of my reach means I know they are achievable and won’t lose heart or focus. My vision board reminds me what achieving my goals will look and feel like, which has a powerful impact. Remember these short-term goals are all geared towards achieving my overall long-term vision. I next repeat the process, only this time I set myself what I call “My 10 Year Goals”. As the name suggests, these are the goals I want to achieve 10 years from now. They may be something like earning $100,000 a month, or living in a beautiful 6 bedroom home. They are what I would consider huge goals, which at the moment seem miles away, but I set them nonetheless. I then also create a vision board with these goals, containing inspiring pictures that excite me. Now here is where the real power comes in. By setting myself yearly goals, but also setting myself 10 year goals, I make sure that I keep myself focused, while also remembering to think big and shoot for the stars. What I’ve found is that by focusing on my yearly goals, while at the same time remembering where I want to be 10 years from now, the two sets of goals slowly start to align with each other more and more each year. If you achieved the goal of earning $5,000 a month by the end of the year, you would then set a new yearly goal of earning $10,000 a month for the next year. Year by year I’ve found that my goals get closer and closer to my 10 year goals. I’m still being ambitious by having these huge goals in the background, but the real power comes from focusing on my short term goals, and ticking them off each year. I do this on my iPhone. You can use a piece of paper if you wish, but I really like to keep this list on my phone so that I have it with me wherever I go. Whenever I get a chance, I open up the list on my phone and read through my goals. This reminds me what I am trying to accomplish and what I’d like to achieve. I then spend a few minutes just looking at my vision board, letting the images sink in.  My biggest tip is to write out your goals each and every day, in the present tense. When I do this, I also write out the time frame for which I would like to achieve each of my goals. Here’s an example off my list: “I easily buy a house and start to renovate it by 31st December 2024”. In this example, you can see I have used the word ‘easily’. This is important as it reaffirms in your mind that you will achieve this goal no matter what the challenges are. I then specify my goal, and set a time frame for it, being the 31st December 2024. It only takes me 5 minutes to do this. I then make sure I read them a few times throughout the day. This sounds far too simple to actually work, but believe me when I tell you, don’t underestimate the power of this. I first realized how powerful this process is when I decided to set myself a goal of finding a new job, which paid a far larger salary than I had been earning at the time. I wrote out my goal exactly in the format as above, specifying the salary I would earn (which was about $30,000 a year more than I had been earning at the time), and the timeframe in which I would find the job. Would you believe it I was offered a job earning that exact salary less than 2 months after writing the goal down. I had always been slightly skeptical of goal setting and although I was a fan of it, I wasn’t convinced how useful it was. This changed though when I had this experience. I wrote the goal down each and every day, and less than 2 months later I was offered a new job. I can still remember the powerful feeling that flowed through me when I got the phone call offering me the job. I sat on the bed in amazement and thought to myself “This stuff works! I wonder what other goals I can set myself. What else can I achieve if I start to write it down and focus on it” I then added additional goals, some more challenging, and since then I have slowly started to tick them off my list. So how did this work? Well I’m certainly not an expert on goal setting, but I believe that by writing out my goal each and every night, it planted the seed in my subconscious mind. Of course this job didn’t just appear out of thin air. I had to upload my resume onto various job websites online, but if I hadn’t set myself that goal, I would never have had the desire to look for another job. I wouldn’t have uploaded my resume onto job websites, I wouldn’t have applied for jobs paying that salary, and I wouldn’t have got a phone call from a recruitment agent. The bottom line is I would still be in my old job earning $30,000 a year less. Not only that, but even worse I would still have that terrible feeling that I was underachieving. I would still be plagued by my thoughts, always wondering if I could be earning more, and wondering how I can provide a better lifestyle for myself and my wife. Instead though, I don’t have that feeling that I am underachieving any longer. This led to me feeling more confident and being far more outgoing. It also led to me having the drive and confidence to pursue other, more ambitious goals that lead to an even better lifestyle for my wife and I, as well as increased my confidence and charisma even more in the long-run. That is the real power of goal-setting. Your goals won’t appear magically out of thin air, but what it does do is force you to focus on what you want and then move towards achieving it slowly and steadily. If I had never set myself a goal of earning $30,000 a year more than I was, I would never have bothered to apply for jobs paying that salary. Yes, this site is about charisma, but the fact is that goal setting can go a long way to growing your charisma because when you start to achieve your goals and start to realize you can achieve anything you focus on, you immediately become more confident in your own ability. This leads to an increase in charisma.  In-fact, one of my goals was to become more charismatic. I thought long and hard about what I would need to do in order to become more charismatic. It was then that I came up with the rules in this book, and scribbled them down on a piece of paper. I set myself a goal of working on each of these rules each day, and really started to build my charisma skills. I knew this was possible because I had already achieved many of the other goals on my list. Make sure you write out your goals each and every night, and then read them throughout the day. You will find that you automatically start to focus on these, and will be amazed how you automatically start to take more action towards achieving them. They say that success breeds success, but it also leads to being more charismatic. **** Update: I’m happy to say that I recently purchased the house I used in the example of my goals above, and am currently working on renovating it. Goal setting works! Charisma exercise #5: I want you to spend the next 20 minutes in a quiet area, and think deeply what you want in life. Create a vision for yourself. Your master plan. Now I want you to think what kinds of goals you would need to achieve in the next 12 months to start working towards this vision. Think about all the different areas of your life, and what you would like to accomplish. Think about your finances, your relationships, your character, your leisure and holidays, your fitness, your habits. Now create a list with each of these goals. Here’s another example off my current goal list: “I easily stop biting my fingernails by 31st December 2020”. “My wife and I easily book a holiday to New York by 31st December 2020”. “I easily review my charisma rules every day and make the people in my life feel incredible by 31st December 2020”. Write out each of your goals just like this. Mine are on my iPhone, but you can keep yours anywhere you like. Be sure to make one of your goals to review the charisma rules every day and to continue to develop your charisma levels. Next spend some time making a vision board which contains inspiring pictures of your goals. Once again, I keep these on my iPhone in a document so that I have them with me at all times. I look at my vision board several times a day and it really gets my juices flowing and keeps me focused. I can immediately feel my charisma levels rising when this happens. Now repeat the process with your 10 year goals. Write them out, and create a vision board once again. An example might be “I easily own a beautiful 6 bedroom dream house by 31st December 2024.” Next commit to writing out both sets of goals on a new piece of paper, or in your iPhone notes each night. It should only take you 5 minutes at most. This is a key step in the process, as it keeps you focused and reminds you constantly what you want to achieve. It sounds like an inconsequential step, but it is the key to the whole process. Once you’ve done this, I want you to spend a little time applying this method to your charisma. Think of the overall vision you want when it comes to your charisma. How will you look, how will you sound, how will you carry yourself. How will you make people feel, how will you interact with people. Then break this vision down into a set of both short term and long term goals. Keep doing this each and every day and you will be amazed how your charisma levels start to grow. You will be amazed how your confidence starts to increase as you realize that the silly little things you thought weren’t possible now are. You will find goal setting on the agenda of almost every charismatic person on the planet. Make sure it is on your agenda too. Want to Learn How to Be Charismatic? Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules. Charismatic Leadership It's one thing to be a leader, it's a completely different thing to be a charismatic leader. So what is it that causes charismatic leadership? Why is it that some leaders seem to ooze charisma, and as a result, so effective in leading and inspiring teams, while other leaders simply call themselves "leaders", or may have the word "leader" in their title, without inspiring or leading at all? Charisma in LeadershipCharisma in leadership is a rare trait that is sadly lacking in many of todays' leaders. If you ask most leaders they may claim to be charismatic, thinking they own the room, and are able to give orders, but little do they know that it takes more than that to be charismatic. In-fact, some may argue that "giving orders" is possibly the opposite of being charismatic. The good news is that here at The Charisma Rules, we believe charisma is a skill that can be taught, and when it comes to leadership, there are a few simple skills you can develop which will instantly catapult your leadership charisma to new record levels. Charismatic Leaders are PresentThere are few things that are more impressive then a leader that is present when interacting with the people around them. We all know the demands of being a leader in the current world mean that there are distractions everywhere, but in a world where it is rare to get anyone's undivided attention for more than 2 minutes, being present and switching off the world around you is a sure fire way to stand out from the average leader. Receiving undivided attention from anyone these days for more than 2 minutes is remarkable, but when it comes from someone in a leadership position, the effect can be tenfold and enormously impressive to the recipient of the this attention. It not only shows respect to those around you, but it sends a message that you care about them and their opinions, and this is secret sauce that will make you appear more charismatic. What so many leaders fail to realize is that Charisma is about the way you make people feel. It is not about being loud, brash or dominating the room, it is about making people feel good when they are around you. As a leader that is present and 100% dialled in to the people they are interacting with, you will instantly be able to do this, and will stand out from the average leaders around you.  Charismatic Leaders Take ResponsibilityCharismatic leaders will never, ever blame others or complain about anything. Yes, they may be unhappy with certain outcomes or the state of certain things, but they know that moaning and complaining about it is no good to anyone. Think about it, when did complaining or whining ever help anything? Instead of complaining, they will come up with solutions, and this is one of the defining character traits between great leaders and average leaders. Great leaders take total responsibility for everything, and know that they are in control of their lives. If someone in their team makes a mistake, they will see this as a failure on their part and a failure of their leadership. A great leader will see this as an opportunity to coach and develop their team member and as a result own the problem themselves. Mastering this is one of the elements that makes them charismatic. They lead from the front, identify problems that need correcting, implement solutions to do this, and by doing so paint a vision of moving forward, which in turn inspires and encourages those around them. After all, what is leadership if not inspiring those around you to move forward in the best way possible. Charismatic Leaders Praise OthersProbably the most important aspect of charismatic leadership is the ability to shine the light on others and praise them on a consistent basis. It's easy for leaders to take credit for ideas that aren't theirs when presenting them to their own leadership, but the most charismatic leaders on the planet are always quick to heap praise on others and seldom take the credit for anything, rather promoting collective team efforts. What many leaders fail to realise is that successful leadership is about leading others to produce desired outcomes. It is their role to lead and inspire others and to steer them in the right direction, and heaping praise on them, and giving credit where credit is due is one of the best ways to accomplish this. Studies have proven that happy employees are up to 13% more productive than unhappy employees, and an employee that feels valued and cared for is far more likely to be a happy employee. Want to Develop Your Charisma? Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.
If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules. |
