​Here at The Charisma Rules, we are all about learning the skill of being more charismatic and a huge part of that is developing your interpersonal communication skills and learning the art of effective communication.

One of the best ways you can learn how to improve your communication skills is by focusing on paying everyone someone attention when you are in a social environment. 

Now when I say, “Pay everyone some attention”, I’m not necessarily talking about people you don’t know or haven’t met before. I’m talking about the people that you do know and already have a relationship with, although of course you can practice this with anyone you like really.

The best way I can illustrate my point is with an anecdote which took place about a year ago.

I was having dinner at a friend’s house and we started talking about a BBQ we’d both been to the previous weekend. One of our other friends, Pete had been there. Now Pete is the kind of guy that just seems to be larger than life.

He’s an ebullient character that really makes the most out of life. Although he doesn’t quite ooze charisma like one of my other friends Simon does, he has certain charismatic qualities that I admire and often try to emulate myself. He’s the kind of guys that everyone gravitates towards when he enters the room for the first time. Both my friend and I have a lot of time for Pete, and we enjoy being in his company.

What I found interesting that night though was that my friend’s wife Kim made the comment that she had always felt that Pete never made any time or effort with her, and to be quite honest she never really knew where she stood with him.

Now I can assure you, after knowing Pete for many years, he is just too nice a guy to have any sort of issue with Kim. In-fact, he doesn’t really know her well enough to have any hang-ups with her at all.

I assured her she was wrong, and that any insecurity she had was unwarranted. After all, Pete was the nicest guy anyone could meet.

But after some further discussion Kim she said she felt that Pete never really took the time to speak to her whenever they were in a social situation. She said he was always friendly and amicable, but he seemed to move towards “other” people in a social situation, but never her.

“I love meeting new people;
I think everyone has a story to tell.
We should all listen sometimes.” - Kim Smith
 
Many years ago, I went to junior school with a guy called Simon.

Simon was the kind of guy you always knew would do well in life. He was the kind of guy that captained every sports team we played in, had every girl in school chasing him, and was friends with just about every kid in the school. His blonde curly locks, tanned skin and Hollywood looks also didn’t do him any harm either.

Whenever he had a birthday party, his poor parents ended up catering for about 150 kids because he was so popular. He was a really great guy, and even at the tender age of 12, he knew how to build rapport with almost anyone, and as a result, he had charisma oozing out of him.

Sadly, when we turned 13, Simon was bundled off to a more prestigious senior school. His parents earned good money and rightly so, they figured they owed it to Simon to give him the best education they could afford. Unfortunately as a result, I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with Simon during our senior school years, but I kept track of his achievements from afar.

His natural ability to build rapport meant that he went on to captain and lead almost every sports team he played in throughout senior school, and was made the head-boy of the school in his final year. More of a born leader, I had yet to meet.

Fast forward 15 years and Simon is now the director of a prestigious advertising company. The scary, yet not surprising, thing is that he’s been a director since he was 27 years old. Talk about an overachiever.
Simon is clearly an example of the power of charisma, and the power of knowing how to build rapport and connect with people.

Throughout his life, he’s had that special magnetic quality that only the gift of the gab seem to possess.
About 12 years ago when we were in our early 20’s, I bumped into a friend who had been at school with Simon and I. As we shared a couple of beers, the conversation moved on to Simon, and how well he was doing in life.
​
This was before I really knew anything about charisma, and certainly before I knew that it was just a skill that anyone could learn and master. I made the comment that Simon was just one of those guys who got lucky and was born with the gift of the gab.

My friend disagreed and went on to share an interesting story with me.
A year or two before, he had bumped into Simon on a night out. They had both been in the same town on holiday, and neither of them had ever been there before.

As they were chatting and catching up, my friend noticed how many people seemed to walk past and acknowledge Simon. It was almost as if he was one of the locals and had been going there for years. At one point someone even came over with a drink for Simon, and said “Here we go buddy”, before moving on with his friends.

When my friend asked Simon how he knew so many people, considering he had only been in town for a couple of days, Simon went on to share one of the biggest secrets to his success.

​He explained that whenever he is in a social situation, be it a nightclub, a bar, a birthday party, or at a BBQ, he always makes an effort to introduce himself to as many people as he can.

He went on to explain that he didn’t do anything fancy, but whether it was a guy or a girl, all he did was walk over flashing a great big smile and say “I’m sorry we haven’t met yet, I’m Simon”, and stick out his hand to shake. After introducing himself and shaking hands, he would then spend a couple of minutes chatting to his new friend. He’d ask them who else they knew at the party, where they were from, and what they did for a living. Basically he just made general small-talk, nothing fancy as Simon claimed, although he unconsciously using several of the rules that are found in The Charisma Rules.

So why was this such a powerful and effective weapon? The reason why this worked so well for Simon was that it made him stand out from the crowd and allowed him to build rapport with everyone he met.

It’s not often that you get someone simply walking up to you to say “Hi”, and have a chat. Simon was sure to say very little about himself, and ask all the questions, which encouraged the person to talk about themselves. As we know, people love nothing more than talking about themselves, and this alone is a great way to build a rapport with almost anyone.

Simon stood out from the pack. He was something different to most of the people he met. He didn’t have a hidden agenda or ulterior motive. If he was chatting to a girl, he made sure not to hit on her, or flirt with her too much. All he wanted to do was say “Hi”.

After about 2 minutes of chatting he would tell the person “It was great to meet you”, and he’d politely let them know that he needed to get back to his friends and would then move on. If anyone looked over at Simon a few minutes later they’d see him standing around, laughing and joking with another group of people.

Charisma Exercise #10
Your next exercise is to take a leaf out of Simon’s book and get comfortable talking to as many people as you can when you’re in a social situation. For many of you, this may sound daunting or even cause your palms to start sweating, but don’t worry. This is supposed to be an enjoyable exercise and it will help you grow into a far more charismatic person instantly.

Simon talks to as many people as he can whether he’s in a nightclub, at a bar or at a football game. You might be sitting there thinking “But I’m not as outgoing as Simon though”, and that’s alright. If the thought of going out to a bar or nightclub intimidates you, then don’t go. Or if you are happy to go to a nightclub but don’t feel comfortable introducing yourself to strangers, then don’t!

Dial it down a notch and pick a scenario that you’re comfortable with. When I started working on this exercise myself a couple of years ago, I first put it into practice at a child’s christening. After the church service, we all gathered at the host’s house for tea and biscuits. With this exercise fresh in my mind, I was determined to engage and talk with as many people as I could. I knew about 5 or 6 of the 50 people there, so naturally I started off standing with them in a circle mingling and making small talk as we drank our tea. Gradually as the morning passed, I made the effort to introduce myself to people as they came into contact.

I mentioned earlier that most people feel an element of anxiety when interacting with strangers in a social situation, and very few are comfortable introducing themselves. Instead, it’s far easier to remain silent and keep talking to the people you already know. Have you ever been guilty of this? I know I certainly was in the past.

This doesn’t have to be the case though. All you need to do is casually say the words “I’m sorry, I haven’t met you yet, my name is…"
This line has served me as an introduction to literally thousands of people over the last couple of years and it’s been a huge part in building my charisma levels.

The key is to make it natural. When Simon was introducing himself to people in that nightclub, he didn’t move from one person to the next like he was the Queen meeting a crowd of supporters. He kept it natural. Once he had finished chatting to a group, he would politely mention that he needed to get back to his friends and he would wander off back to them. Then a few minutes later he’d head over to another group of people he hadn’t met, drink in hand, and start chatting to them casually.

Next time you’re in a social situation, make a real effort to chat to as many people as you can. Think of it as a game called “Meet The Room”. Think of yourself as the most charismatic person in the room, and your challenge is to talk to as many people as you can. It can be anywhere you feel comfortable.

Maybe there is someone in your office that you bump into in the kitchen every morning, and you’ve been meaning to introduce yourself. Maybe you sit next to the same person on the bus every morning but you’ve never had the guts to say hello. It doesn’t have to be a bar or nightclub and it doesn’t have to be a complete stranger.
My personal experience with this was that although slightly nerve racking at first, it very quickly became easier and easier with every new person I met.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t met you yet, my name is..
I found my conversation skills improving dramatically, and a few weeks later I didn’t even have to think about walking over to people and introducing myself. It happened naturally. It had become a part of who I was.
I’ve mentioned previously that I feel charisma is not necessarily about being the life of the party, or talking to random strangers, but it is definitely about interacting better with people and being able to know how to build rapport with them.

This exercise doesn’t have to be about walking up to random strangers in nightclubs and talking to them, but if you’re comfortable doing that then all the better to you.

This exercise is about practicing the art of interacting with people in the same social environment as you. It is about interacting with people that are standing around you. Once you have done this you will find you automatically become more charismatic as you grow in confidence.

After enough practice you will realize that everyone feels an element of social anxiety when placed in a room full of strangers, and most of them are dying for someone to break the ice. If you can be the one to do it and ease their anxiety, you will become instantly memorable in their eyes.

1. Decide that you are going to play “Meet The Room” wherever you go.
2. Identify when your next social situation or opportunity will be.
3. Imagine yourself as the most charismatic person in the room.
4. Next time you are in a social situation and the moment is right, simply say “I’m sorry we haven’t met yet, I’m…”
5. As you speak to them, chat casually and confidently. Remember to ask them questions which encourage them to tell you about themselves.​

Practice this as often as you can. After a couple of weeks it will start to become a habit and you will find that you tend to introduce yourself to people without even thinking or worrying about it. It will become a part of who you are, a more confident and charismatic person.

​“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.”  - Stephen R. Covey
 
Here at The Charisma Rules, we're all about learning to be more charismatic, and as we highlight in the book, when it comes to being more charismatic, applying listening as an active skill is crucial.

If you pay close attention, you will notice that charismatic people ALWAYS listen way more than they speak.

I once had a friend who dated a girl who he "thought" was extremely charismatic. In my opinion, she was the exact opposite. She dominated every conversation with anecdotes and stories about herself. As soon as someone else would start to tell a story, she would interrupt them with a story of her own. 

He thought the fact that she was so outspoken, and happy to talk to anyone made her charismatic, when in reality it did the exact opposite.

She clearly hadn't mastered the art of listening as an active skill, and it was also clear that she wasn’t familiar with Mark Twain’s quote, “If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.”

There are 2 simple tricks you can use which will help you do this. Firstly, while they are speaking, try to create images to go along with the words they are saying. Instead of only listening to the words they are speaking, make a story in your mind, almost like a movie, which goes along with their dialog.

​This will immediately improve your listening ability as it will help you “see” what they are saying, as well as remember what they were saying at a later stage. I’ve also found a really powerful result from using this process, is that it has led to asking more intelligent and perceptive questions related to the person’s story. In the past you may have simply nodded as you went through the motions of hearing them but not really listening, but using this technique you will appear a lot more insightful and interested as you start to ask questions about the conversation.

As you start to make mental movies in your mind as the person tells their story, you will find that it allows you to wonder about events and details of their story. If they were telling you about how they were stuck in traffic, and you had begun to make a movie of this in your mind, you'd probably wonder to yourself “Where were they driving. You might find yourself asking them this at a later stage, because you are genuinely interested.

Do you see the power in this?

​Straight away it would be clear that you were listening with great intent and were genuinely interested in their story, rather than simply going through the motions and waiting for your turn to speak, as so many of us do.

​Sure, it's important to have good two-way conversation, but if you are going to be charismatic, you have to learn how to be a world class listener.

The second step to improving your active listening skills is that I then also make a concerted effort to wait for a full 5 seconds until after they have finished speaking, before I start to speak.

This may sound extreme and may sound like an eternity to wait, but give it a try. Let the person’s words sink in and then only reply.

It’s hard to really emphasize the incredible power this will have on the person you are speaking to. They will feel that you have really listened to them, and only then have replied with your part of the conversation.

I’ve found that these two tips have worked wonders for me. Combined with my awareness to be more present, I’ve noticed that I have started to really listen to the other person in the conversation speak, as I know that I am not allowed to talk until they are finished.

In the past when I had something to say, I would inadvertently stop listening to the rest of their dialog, and only think about what or how I was going to speak next. I would hear them say the words, but I didn’t listen to them, and I certainly didn’t make a mental movie to go along with them.

The result was that they washed over me with little or no effect. This in turn had a knock-on effect to my presence ability, as instead of listening to them, my mind was wondering off elsewhere thinking about my side of the conversation.

In a nutshell, active listening is a skill that anyone can learn, and once you do it will make you appear infinitely more charismatic almost overnight!

​Want to learn how to become a brilliant conversationalist? 
 
“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.” - Mark Twain

This site is about learning how to be more charismatic, and part of developing your charisma levels is learning how to make small talk, and how to  make conversation with people you may not know.

It's fair to say that people that ooze charisma are interesting, and make great conversation. You will do well to find a charismatic person that is dull and boring. In-fact I think the words ‘dull’ and ‘charisma’ could even be considered an oxymoron.

Being a great conversationalist is actually a lot easier than you think in terms of being more charismatic. Of course you can obviously make sure you are well read, and have an excellent general knowledge. This will always make you a better conversationalist because it will allow you to contribute more to conversations. But you knew that already didn’t you.
If you have the time to do this and want to build up your subject knowledge, that’s fantastic. The downside to this though is that it may take some time. I encourage you to read as much as you can on as many subjects as possible. You can never be too well read, but of course it will take you time to really build up your knowledge.

There is another much quicker way that you can improve your conversation skills, and it doesn’t require any reading at all. In fact, ironically it doesn’t involve much speaking either.
Dale Carnegie once wrote that “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language”. Simply put, this means that people are always more interested in themselves than anyone else and they will always be more responsive to the sound of their own name. These are both two vital charisma points this chapter will touch on.

Remember the anecdote in the opening chapter about the two British politicians that took the same lady out for dinner? The one that made the lady feel like she was the most interesting person on the planet ended up winning the election. Charismatic people know that people are more interested in themselves than anyone else. Whether they admit it or not, it is more than likely that a person’s favorite subject in the entire world is the subject of…well themselves.
If you want to immediately improve your conversation skills, make an effort to focus the conversation more on the person you are talking to, and less on yourself. I’ve seen this referred to as “Social Jiu-Jitsu” because in essence you are applying a form of marital arts, only instead of physical, it is verbal or social.

As you can imagine, a huge aspect of being more charismatic is developing your social skills. While this might sound obvious, it's important to dig a little deeper into some simple social skills training, which will easily teach you how to improve your social skills quickly and easily.


Charismatic people may be known for their social skills, but one of the things I've always found fascinating is that Charismatic people tend to specialize in complimenting others and heaping praise on them, while exercising these social skills.

You may not have expected to find and article about "goals setting how to" on a website about charisma, but the truth is that charismatic people have goals and they are masters at setting goals.

They know where they are going, and they know what they want in life. If you ask them what they want to achieve 12 months from now, they will be able to rattle off a list of achievements in 5 seconds.

If you ask them what they want to achieve 10 years from now, they will be able to do the same. They don’t simply amble through life like a large percentage of people do. They are focused, driven and have clearly defined goals that they want to accomplish during their time on this planet.

It's one thing to be a leader, it's a completely different thing to be a charismatic leader.

So what is it that causes charismatic leadership?

Why is it that some leaders seem to ooze charisma, and as a result, so effective in leading and inspiring teams, while other leaders simply call themselves "leaders", or may have the word "leader" in their title, without inspiring or leading at all?

Charisma in leadership is a rare trait that is sadly lacking in many of todays' leaders. If you ask most leaders they may claim to be charismatic, thinking they own the room, and are able to give orders, but little do they know that it takes more than that to be charismatic. 
In-fact, some may argue that "giving orders" is possibly the opposite of being charismatic.

The good news is that here at The Charisma Rules, we believe charisma is a skill that can be taught, and when it comes to leadership, there are a few simple skills you can develop which will instantly catapult your leadership charisma to new record levels.

There are few things that are more impressive then a leader that is present when interacting with the people around them. We all know the demands of being a leader in the current world mean that there are distractions everywhere, but in a world where it is rare to get anyone's undivided attention for more than 2 minutes, being present and switching off the world around you is a sure fire way to stand out from the average leader.

Receiving undivided attention from anyone these days for more than 2 minutes is remarkable, but when it comes from someone in a leadership position, the effect can be tenfold and enormously impressive to the recipient of the this attention.

It not only shows respect to those around you, but it sends a message that you care about them and their opinions, and this is secret sauce that will make you appear more charismatic.

What so many leaders fail to realize is that Charisma is about the way you make people feel. It is not about being loud, brash or dominating the room, it is about making people feel good when they are around you. 

As a leader that is present and 100% dialled in to the people they are interacting with, you will instantly be able to do this, and will stand out from the average leaders around you.

Charismatic leaders will never, ever blame others or complain about anything. Yes, they may be unhappy with certain outcomes or the state of certain things, but they know that moaning and complaining about it is no good to anyone. Think about it, when did complaining or whining ever help anything?

Instead of complaining, they will come up with solutions, and this is one of the defining character traits between great leaders and average leaders.

Great leaders take total responsibility for everything, and know that they are in control of their lives. If someone in their team makes a mistake, they will see this as a failure on their part and a failure of their leadership. A great leader will see this as an opportunity to coach and develop their team member and as a result own the problem themselves.

Mastering this is one of the elements that makes them charismatic. They lead from the front, identify problems that need correcting, implement solutions to do this, and by doing so paint a vision of moving forward, which in turn inspires and encourages those around them. 

After all, what is leadership if not inspiring those around you to move forward in the best way possible. 

Probably the most important aspect of charismatic leadership is the ability to shine the light on others and praise them on a consistent basis. 

It's easy for leaders to take credit for ideas that aren't theirs when presenting them to their own leadership, but the most charismatic leaders on the planet are always quick to heap praise on others and seldom take the credit for anything, rather promoting collective team efforts.

What many leaders fail to realise is that successful leadership is about leading others to produce desired outcomes. It is their role to lead and inspire others and to steer them in the right direction, and  heaping praise on them, and giving credit where credit is due is one of the best ways to accomplish this.

Studies have proven that happy employees are up to 13% more productive than unhappy employees, and an employee that feels valued and cared for is far more likely to be a happy employee.

Here at The Charisma Rules, we believe Charisma is a simple skill that can be learnt. It all comes down to being aware that these rules exist, and then applying them to your life.

If you'd like to learn more about these rules, be sure to grab a copy of The Charisma Rules.